Five Steps to Date Intentionally
There is a great opportunity in dating when you are moving past your twenties, thirties and perhaps your forties. You can approach the whole process with purpose. The way we met our first boyfriend or girlfriend was usually through a friend in high school, sitting next to someone in math class or meeting at a party. At that time, we were beginning to discover the world around us but didn’t have a lot of perspective on ourselves, our beliefs or how we wanted to be in this world. Approaching forty is often a turning point in people’s lives, when they develop a deeper understanding of themselves, and usually a strong sense of vulnerability as they realize that the work towards being our best self continues, each and every day. Out of this sense of vulnerability and greater awareness of ourselves, we have a golden opportunity to date intentionally. When dating intentionally, we can also anticipate the end game. We know that some of the keys to a good relationship are trust, vulnerability, kindness and communication. These key characteristics become easier when we have greater self-awareness. The following suggestions for dating intentionally allow these characteristics to flourish in yourself and your relationships.
A couple good places to start…
Look inwards
Through a focus on ourselves, we create room for others. We have to fully understand ourselves and be able to articulate for others what we know about our proclivities and tendencies. And, we have to do something surprisingly challenging: Accept ourselves, as we are now, for real. We all have a past; we have all done things we aren’t terribly proud of. We all have a dark side, which we prefer not to show others, and sometimes not even to think about. Our dark side, arising from our insecurities, often rears its ugly head when we are in relation to another. Through truly having awareness of ourselves, we can start to be who we want to be in relationships.
Pursue your passions
Finding that special someone can be frustrating as you put yourself out there and continue to end up empty handed. Focusing on your passions and what it is you love in life can open new worlds and avenues to meeting interesting people. This puts the focus where it should be, on you. Think of the last time you met someone who was really pursuing their passions and how that struck you. You were likely intrigued, inspired and even attracted to that person. Focusing on your passions will raise your attractiveness to others.
Work hard
How did you become good at what you do? Did you sit back and let the world come to you? No, we get to where we want to be through diligence, focus, hard work and dedication. We work hard to have healthy bodies and open minds. The same holds true with dating and finding a great mate: hard work can pay off. In the dating world, this “work” can come in the form of self-inquiry through yoga, meditation, or journaling; and self-love through healthy eating, working our bodies and practicing loving thoughts. It may also mean conducting research on the best online sites and deciding to step in that direction. Or getting your picture taken by a professional to put your best foot forward.
Be open
A lot of people feel they have a clear sense of what they want in another person. It certainly makes sense to have an idea of the direction you want to go in terms of forming a partnership with another. However, it may also be wise and even fun, to also allow life to surprise you. You may have been saying for years that you want someone 6 feet and then be spun around by the perfectly adequately heighted man next to you. You may have insisted on a thin and athletic woman and then find yourself rolling from laughter from the insightful humor of the perfectly curvy woman sitting at the table across from you. Next time you are at an event with other single people, try just talking to the person next to you without expectations and see where the conversation leads. Be open and allow life and people to knock you off your feet. You don’t truly know how someone will be in a relationship with you until you try it out.
Five steps to dating intentionally
1. Grow your self-awareness. Be curious about yourself. Start asking questions about how you got to the place you are at. Think through and document actions you are proud of and behaviors that surprised you in relationships. What tends to cause you anxiety, anger, fear, or insecurity? What do you recognize about yourself and your patterns? How do you act when you feel scared or anxious? Write your observations down (so you remember what you discovered!). Be prepared to communicate your new self-awareness to your next partner.
2. Communicate what stage you are in to those you date. Where you are in life makes a huge difference in how you approach dating. Are you recently divorced (in other words, are you rebounding)? Have you done some self-inquiry and are ready to jump in? Do you just want to try out a couple dates here and there but don’t want to commit to anything quite yet? These are all “good” places to be and each stage can hold fun and heartbreak depending on the steps you take. Be honest with yourself and the people you choose to date about the stage you are in.
3. Be intentional in choosing how and who you date. This is where you have to be active and put yourself out there. Do some research on different ways to meet people including online sites, matchmakers, single meet-up groups, and interest-based meet-up groups. If you choose online dating, it all starts with a profile. Since healthy relationships are based on trust and openness, create an honest, accurate and intriguing profile (and get a good picture since we are all visual creatures!). And when you find yourself perusing profiles to determine who to give a chance, be picky and open-minded simultaneously. Remember that when we met people in college, we didn’t know everything about them which allowed them to surprise us. One strategy is to read a profile and email back and forth a couple times and then just meet in person. It is through meeting someone in person, that we can get a real sense of someone’s energy, style, mannerisms and personality.
4. Take it slow. Dating can be about meeting new, interesting people; it doesn’t always need to be about the end game. Don’t fret too much when you end up on a date with someone you believe you aren’t interested in (and start with the 30 minute coffee date to make it less painful!). Remember that we live in a small state and you never know who can introduce you to the one who may suit, inspire or intrigue you. And, once you start exploring a relationship, do just that, explore it. Just like you are going to be curious about yourself, be curious about the other person. Observe them, stay open and honest with yourself about what you are seeing. Understand that in the early stages of a relationship, our brain is prone to glossing over inconsistencies and anything negative. So the best strategy you have for really determining whether another person has true merit is to take your time. Spend time with the other person and by yourself, pay attention to how your body reacts to the other person and notice whether your behaviors with the person are in line with who you want to be.
5. Be willing to say no and start again. Sometimes it can seem like there are so few people out there that we stay in a situation that is not ideal. If we start operating from abundance rather than a scarcity mindset, it can change everything. Within a mindset of abundance, that there are limitless opportunities; our worlds change each day as we learn more and more. It opens you up to follow your instincts and make good choices. Abundance teaches us that it is okay to wait for someone who truly nourishes us. This means, we can say “no thank you”, “you are lovely, but not for me” with ease and breathe and start again.
Erin Oldham, Ph.D., is the founder of Local Flames, an organization dedicated to supporting people in developing and sustaining healthy relationships. We offer a newsletter to connect people to local events and the latest research on healthy relationships as well as workshops and coaching/consultation for individuals negotiating divorce and the post-divorce world. Erin has a Ph.D. in psychology specializing in child development and has researched how children and adults for secure attachments and healthy relationships for 25 years. Contact Erin at erin@localflamesmaine.com for more information about her workshops and coaching. Localflamesmaine.com.
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